Stepping Forward

My brothers & I have not been able to be in the same room together since Friday, March 13th. I haven't hugged Derik or Dalten in 42 days, and I know you haven't hugged a lot of people you love either. Honestly, can we agree? IT'S WEIRD.

At the same time, I am so grateful for those who are working tirelessly in healthcare, medicine, distribution, emergency services, farmers, and so many others so that we can continue to be safe in our homes, with a roof, with food stocked in the fridge, and healthy.

It may go without saying, but my in-person live performing opportunities with our sibling project DERIK NELSON & FAMILY are on hiatus until further notice.

Gigs as far out as September have postponed or cancelled. Our industry (as we knew it) is on TOTAL PAUSE, and ZOOM ROOM hangouts are the new way to share our gifts with the world. I’ve pivoted to some exciting NEW opportunities VIRTUALLY, and I’ll be sharing more about these in an upcoming/separate post! (Some of you already know about my Big Sis Coaching and my non-fiction book project, but there’s some other things cookin’, too, I can’t wait to share it with you!)

Despite the shiny new things expanding, My Old Life seems like it’s slipped away.

The past few weeks, I often have a strange moment before my eyes open in the morning. I'm in my bed. I realize where I am. I remember the world has shifted, I'm immediately grateful I'm here another day, and then become very choked up. I think about my life over the past several years: hopping in a car all together as a family for 50,000 miles. Sharing close quarters in middle-of-nowhere motels and hotel rooms. Entertaining 1,234 people packed in the magnificent Johnny Carson Theatre in Nebraska with our beautiful mom, cousins, and aunt & uncle in the audience. Sharing the stage equally between us so far from home— and yet, we always felt RIGHT AT HOME. We had each other. Though often exhausted, travel weary, and easily irritated with each other (umm, hi, still siblings!!) we love each other fiercely, and loved the opportunities and memories this incredibly unique career provided us. We never thought twice about hugging each other, or ANYONE we met, because they all became a woven thread of the fabric of our performing journey.

ALL OF THAT flashes behind my closed eyes like a mix between an emotion, a dream, a feeling, and a memory. Then I open my eyes. And then I get up. (…or, I scroll instagram honestly, in an emotional bypassing effort to not start my day crying.)

And often in this wild time, I DO cry. I randomly burst into tears in the shower. Doing dishes. Or in the quiet, still, reflective moments between golden hour and night.

Grieving.

Grieving for the planet, grieving for the human collective, and grieving for something I know I'll never get back... but simultaneously unsure exactly what "that something" is.

Derik Nelson & Family will continue, certainly, but a lot has happened in recent months that will change my trajectory forever. A lot has happened WITHIN ME that has changed my trajectory forever. My goals + priorities are not the same as they were 2, 3 or 4 years ago. Or 2 months ago. I am not the same, either.

The identity I’ve yoked my spirit to in the last few years (Tour Manager, Female Vocalist, and Entertainer for DNF) has been, admittedly, "postponed" and “parked” (right along with EVERYTHING ELSE that's been postponed and parked in our world!)

For 42 days in quarantine except a trip to the farmer’s market or grocery store once a week, I’ve journaled, meditated, prayed, and pondered what I desire most in this new space. How I’m feeling, what’s not working, what is, and what I want to work towards.

Sometimes all I write down is “I desire: a nap, ravioli, and Season 2 of The Office.”

And sometimes, if I’m honest and very quiet, I write down extremely clear glimmers of a future version of myself, and desires I didn’t know I could see reflected back so crystal clear, so quickly. I see myself as a mom, a wife, living in a house I designed, and serving the world in beautiful ways with the gifts I have as a role model, a sister, a woman, and a creative soul.

I feel pieces of My Old Self falling away, making space for new. I think I’m also grieving My Old Self. I liked her a lot for many years. She was an identity I clung to very deeply, and very tightly. I did not uncover deeper layers about myself, because I didn't need to. I honestly really liked My Old Self. (When we like something very much, it’s more difficult to release it, or give it away.)

But now I'm here. Knee deep in the deepest layers. Taking a look around, exploring, adventuring. Checking out the digs in My New Self.

Turns out, I really like her, too!

My true identity now has a slowly glowing spotlight (which feels mostly like REMEMBERING myself) and she’s growing stronger. The ways I'm being called to CHANGE THE WORLD are CHANGING. My previous identity + every single neatly planned out attachment (to said identity) has shifted. And instead of scary, it feels a bit like a relief. As if My New Self has been waiting for this opportunity to emerge clearly, and finally, she can.

In this interim of global confusion, a quiet, beautiful, silent, reverent lifting of a veil has occurred for me. A mask peeled off. A shield lowered. A door opened. My eyes are adjusting to the radiant brilliance that awaits. There is hope. There is resilience. There is an inner calling, asking me to step forward into the Light to do powerful things. There’s a calling for all of us to do so.

Will you hear it? Will you get quiet enough to hear the whispers?
This time at home will not be forever. Be patient with me and each other ❤️ We are not guaranteed anything.

Our lives are a short, fleeting, magnificent gift. We cannot control our circumstances. We can only discover new ways to respond, new techniques to peel back our own layers, and build new patterns to safely let go of our past selves.

We will do this imperfectly. And we will change, forward, for the better, together. Own your truth.

xo

Riana